Too Many Men are Living in Quiet Desperation | Men’s Health

Rick Fortier is a Victoria, B.C.-based, NLP practitioner, SMART Recovery Facilitator, author and Men’s List member.

The statistics are alarming.

Men are contemplating, attempting and committing suicide at ever-increasing rates.

“In British Columbia, suicide is one of the top three causes of mortality among men aged 15 and 44.”

What is driving men to the depths of despair?

There is a link between depression and addiction. However, I don’t believe this gives a complete picture.

Thousands of men contemplate suicide daily. Most of these men do not suffer from clinical depression or physical addiction.

So, what’s going on?

Studies are beginning to shed light on a larger problem.

Men are suffering in silence from feelings of loneliness and inadequacy.

Feeling Inadequate

Feeling inadequate can stem from:

• Not being acknowledged by other male figures.
• Growing up with an absent father or without a father figure.
• Being abused (physically, mentally, emotionally, or sexually).

These experiences, and others, contribute to young boys believing they are somehow lacking in their masculinity. They grow up believing that they are inadequate. This irrational belief continues to dominate their psyche and impacts their ability to form close relationships.

The typical cultural stereotype of masculinity includes toughness, competition, stoicism, and comparison.

Men are brought up to believe the definition of a successful man is one who procreates, protects and provides for his family.

We compete against other men: for jobs, in sports, with women . . . It’s a win-lose proposition. Only the strong survive, the weak are crushed.

When men don’t believe they measure up to the societal and media encouraged norms, they feel inadequate. They feel ashamed for who they are.

The pressures and paradigms are forced upon men at a young age.

Loneliness

This isn’t a ‘loneliness’ born of physical separation. This loneliness is derived from a lack of meaningful connection.

Men live in a world inundated with people yet feel alone. No one ‘gets me’. One man, invisible in the multitude.

Men are taught from a young age to hide their feelings and innermost thoughts and thus are reluctant to be vulnerable, because they don’t feel safe to share. They have first-hand experience of being berated and laughed at for sharing their feelings – we do it to others and them to us.

Men act out of loneliness and seek connection by using comfortable quick-fix solutions that help them cope, escape and fit into the male culture. They drink. They objectify women. They hide their feelings. They watch sports.

Men live a life of quiet desperation until they rage in rebellion or give up, becoming apathetic and live in despair.

I know this because I too have experienced a life of quiet desperation.

So, how do we help our self, and each other, out of the abyss?

There is no easy solution. However, there are steps each of us can take to begin the climb.

Reduce the Feeling of Inadequacy

• Stop comparing yourself to others. Compare you to you. Strive to be a better version of yourself.
• Challenge yourself. Learn something new or take up a lost hobby: a language, a musical instrument, painting, or photography. Remind yourself that you are capable.
• Do more of the things that you enjoy and surround yourself with people that raise your spirit – people and activities that bring you fulfillment and joy.
• Tell others how much you genuinely appreciate them – for something they’ve done or who they are. Help others to feel valued and connected.
• Become a mentor/guide/coach to a younger man or male youth – share your skills, knowledge, and wisdom.
• Seek out elder males as you mentors and guides. Use your interests as a compass to find them.

Ending Loneliness

• Reach out to someone you trust. Share how you’re feeling and encourage them to reciprocate. If you don’t know someone, find a therapist, counselor or public health professional.
• Find a Men’s Group/Circle where you can share and listen in confidence.
• Join a shared interest group of like-interest people (in-person or online).
• “Studies have shown that volunteering helps people who donate their time feel more socially connected, thus warding off loneliness and depression.”
• Seek out quality relationships – those who have similar interests, and with whom you share mutual respect and trust. “The key with relationships is in the quality, not the quantity of those people. We just need several with whom we can depend and who depend on us in return”.

What’s critical is for you to first observe and acknowledge your feelings of loneliness and inadequacy, and then choose to take steps to minimize those unwanted feelings.

You may feel like a victim as if you have no choice and are lost in a sea of humanity where no one cares.

But many men feel like you. It’s up to each of us to help our self, and each other, to feel valued and connected.

It’s about making better choices, ones that empower us instead of ones that demoralize us.

You are important. You are capable. You are not alone.

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If you are having suicidal thoughts, please reach out and contact a Suicide Prevention Hotline near you.

In Canada:
Online at: https://www.crisisservicescanada.ca/en/
or call 1-833-456-4566
or Text ‘Start’ to 45645
or 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
or Text Telephone: 1-800-799-4TTY (1-800-799-4889)
or online at http://suicideprevention.ca/need-help/
In the US:
Call 1-800-273-8255
or online at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
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For an in-depth series on supporting your overall health and becoming self-empowered, check out my series, Practical Skills for Improving Your Mental and Emotional Well-Being – Practical Tools You Never Learned in School.
And for more techniques and tools to support your mental and emotional health, check out my unique and engaging self-improvement novel, The Shift Squad.
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[1] http://www.bcmj.org/articles/silent-epidemic-male-suicide#1
[2] http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/11/05/loneliness-in-men-talking-about-it_n_6105402.html
[3] http://mentherapytoronto.com/mens-mental-health-toronto/feeling-inadequate-as-a-man/
[4] http://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/volunteering-may-be-good-for-body-and-mind-201306266428
[5] http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/medical_examiner/2013/08/dangers_of_loneliness_social_isolation_is_deadlier_than_obesity.html

This article was originally posted at https://rickfortier.me/too-many-men-are-living-in-quiet-desperation/